Last night out

   So last night was my “last night out on the town.”  It was pretty cool I guess, It was the second time I’ve been to that bar since my 21st birthday.  For reasons unknown to me I’m insanely nervous at bars. Thinking about it It might be that I get slightly nervous and claustrophobic in large bodies of people. Can’t help it. Its almost like an overload of input, too much shit I’m taking in. …Buuuuttt, as the night progressed I got more and more smashed, and in turn more and more obnoxious.  At one point I was drinking two drinks at once…I mean sucking down two straws in my mouth at the same time.  Heh, at one point I made a toast to Black Friday, or to most Good Friday.  My toast involved something like ”to the day my people slaughtered your false messiah.”  I am always surprised I’m never punched when I go out. I mean really?  I go out–get drunk, and become obnoxiously caustic and offensive–but never get decked in the face. I love it!! 

   Oh yeah, this was a first.   We had been sharing this table thing with these three girls, one of whom Jay recognized as a girl that attended our old childhood church.  Jay tells me I should hit on her with something as Corny as “of course I recognize you, I’d remember a face that beautiful.”  well as intoxicated as I was I lean over and spark the conversation with remembering her, she says her name was… … …?…something, and well, very inebriated, I say in the creepiest way possible, “wow, youd think I’d remember a name that beautiful.”  …I know. Smooth right? Like Dean Martin and shit. 

all right– –I’m Out!

peace of mind

   Day-to-day emotions are really beginning to piss me off!!  One day I’ll be all jittery and excited–then pissed off the next day for being so jittery the previous day. …?!… [Is that weird? I'm pretty sure that's weird.] *sigh* Maybe I just need to stop over-analyzing every Gorram thing I do each day.  I’ve been trying to meditate like I used to, but I can’t seem to get back that focus. It isn’t like there’s more shit on my mind, hopefully there’s less, and yet It’s like my fracken brain won’t shut the frack up!  

   I realized this when the other day I had a brief moment of tranquility. I was ambling through town with no real agenda, going for a stroll as they say.  I passed by a tree and a leaf caught my attention. there was a dead leaf ready to fall from it’s branch, of course it shouldn’t hold much intrigue–but it’s a few days till Spring!!  I mean c’mon, why the frack is there a dead leaf amongst all this new life? [I'm gonna have to come back to this]    So yeah, I was staring at this leaf and for maybe 4 seconds I had been thinking of absolutely nothing but this leaf: the color, texture, the way it was desperately wishing to fall from the branch.  Basically I was thinking of nothing but this single thing, I relish these few moments of peace from the cacophony of garbled shite running through my head.  However, It did make me realize just how scattered my mind has been lately.  Whelp, there’s more things for me to ponder as I wander. [...heh. heh heh...AHAHAHA...*sigh* ohh, that amused me far more than it ever should]

all right, I’m out.   

goals

  As the rapidly approaching departure date draws closer and closer with that chubby little face, all my thoughts are consumed by it.  I’m freaking out in a big fracken way!  However, my thoughts are soothed by the comforting embrace of what may come in my future. so I’ve decided to make a list of what I hope, and strive for, in my coming days.  I figure aim high, why the frack not?  If I fail at something, I just have to try harder.

  Suddenly I’m not sure I’m quite comfortable actually saying my dreams out loud. I know they may seem rather impractical, but It’s what keeps me going day after day. I’ll just impart unto you my two most grand  ambitions. My greatest dream is to create a smash motion picture rich with my ideas and philosophies. hopefully get a message or two out there.  With the profits, open a chain of retail stores to fund Youth Centers and Women shelters.  The reasons for this are my own and personal.  I’ll just leave it at that. 

   The main reason for my joining the military is to get my schoolin on. Oddly enough it is my first ambition that will come last in preparation.  While in, I’ll be taking night classes and on-line classes, I plan on getting a degree in business. For some reason I think this will help me out somewhere down the road.  I’ve heard people tell me that I’m not being practical, and I’ve seen in the eyes of others that I wont accomplish any of my dreams…but I simply refuse to give up, and will continue to do so. thank you very much.

all right I’M OUT!!

ramblings

alright! so, today I decided to have a little fun and get drunk at an early hour. [and i mean early like "alcoholic" early...but frack it] 

well I must admit that I am still very much intoxicated…so this may not make a whole lot of sense. but rock and roll anyway, am I right? fuckin aye I’m right.

so I decided today that i am going to begin a project based on character driven plot.  I havn’t always appresiated them, generally I cast them aside as soap operas due to the fact nothing really happens and the smallest thing becomes huge. I kinda dig that now.  I mean how better to gain an audience than to have them relate entirely with it. I could come up with an amazing storyline, but it could suck hard if no can get into the characters and relate in some way.   Mostly my works are involving tragedy plots. (I know, big surprise yeah?)  But I was just hit by a huge frackin truck called inspiration, it opened huge new doors to me (and they’re the cool revolving ones I loved so much as a child)…and windows, and even some skylights or two. hmm?… I was fascinated by the fact that these works are intense and emotional,  while delivering gut-wrenching dialogue, attachment and a plot line (while weak) deep and emotional.   I have a script already done, but i’m completely redoing it now. I’m going to write a tangent script in this different style. it may not be better, but it’s practically almost a different medium in film. I’ve psyched to try this out, just to see if this plot can work a couple of different ways. if not I can just use part of it in an improved version. hells yes. excitement. ’bout fracken time.

hmmmmmmmmm?…oh yeah, I had a conversation yesterday with a friend about stress and the breaking point in people. lets be honest, everything and everyone has one. hell, even my brother Jorma is studying to become a mechanical engineer and he can verify, that scientifically speaking, everything has a structural integrity with a breaking point. it’s inevitable.  Let it be a bridge or a human body…even a soul has a limit to which it can endure. though he doesn’t believe in a emotional breaking point. he’s under the impression that one must always, under every moment, push themself to the ultimate extreme. Yes, that can be a helpful stance in life, it can als be detrimental.  Yes it’s good to push beyond what you think you can do, but that just seems extreme.  Shouldn’t there be a time to stand back and choose whether or not it’s appropriate?  I don’t know, maybe it was brought up because of my fear knowing that I will be pushed in the military…and well, of course my inability to not push back.  I can’t help it, I hate to admit it, But I have a serious problem with authority. wait…no, I have a huge problem with stupidity in authority.  I fear that I may snap while in the military and be dishonorably discharged, maybe I can’t “Hack” it.  Maybe I get too pissed off and end up punching  a D.I. in the throat.  nothing is more terrifying than the unknown, and my future is most certainly that.  Maybe I’m freaking out for no reason, maybe I’m perfectly justified, maybe I have no frackin clue as to what I’m rambling about. meh, I don’t much care anymore!

OH! yeah that whole stupidity in authority thing reminded me of something a little while back. I want to give an example of a retarded cop, and my inability to not be a smart-ass.  My friend Matt and I run for excersise late at night after work, Sadly it had been snowing for two days and the roads were covered in Ice…not the safest place to run. So we decide to go to the North Medford high school’s track.when we had just begun to run a Douche cop and turkey bacon pull up and call on their loudspeaker to get off the premis. Now we weren’t being suspicious or anything, dressed in full running atire, even wearing music bands, we were obviously just getting excersise. But no. they yell at us about twice and we head towords tham, and halfway one yells that he’s “gonna drag us out of there.”  Without being able to think twice I yell “Are you still fucking talking?!!”  matt looks at me with huge eyes and a mouth slightly agape in disbelief, and I realize what i had just done. Captain Smart-ass strikes again.  I know that not all cops are retarted, just this one.

Hello Blogoshpere!

This is my first entry and it’s being entered by the badass blogger Jason Steele!